you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
