Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
