the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Too much gin, very little bucket
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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