had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
