i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
