trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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