I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize