just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
