I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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