she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
