the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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