I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sext me about skeletons
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
