If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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