someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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