I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
