i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
