The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
try to milk me bitch
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