I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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