I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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