Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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