He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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