no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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