franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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