He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
