I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
