i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
