Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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