The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
