my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize