i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he thought i was a dude.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
