My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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