Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
