pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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