I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
