if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
