what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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