I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
