i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
