What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
