On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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