life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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