and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
