Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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