I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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