she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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