I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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