How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
