he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
