he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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