Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
