All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
