how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
