I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
