meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize