I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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