ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
