Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
