Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
