I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will be naked everywhere
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
