I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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