Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Even the bartender felt bad for me
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
