My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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