why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
