You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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