nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize