i would punch a child for taco bell
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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