You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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