Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
